Writings Unlimited

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“…Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya…”

“… ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay n pwede namang wala sa buhay ko”

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starting right now. I will erased all the memories. I will no longer talk about you, and think about  what could  have been. you are now  part of the past that was never meant to be. thank you.

* I was cleaning out the main computer in my house when I came acrossed a folder containing my old papers way back when I was a freshman in college for my ENG 121 class. Naturally, I started reading through the papers and just started reminiscing about my past. I was about 19 years old at that time and It was pretty amazing how much I have grown in  4 short years, most especially on my views about love and life in general.  This essay is mostly fictional, although I’ve decided to change the name of the main character to *him*  for the sake of privacy. I hope that you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I have,,,even until now.

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             “Work, school, work, school, I am so beat up… I need to sleep” I complained loudly. As soon as I reach my house I ran up the steep staircase and hurriedly went to my room. “Ahh… heaven at last” I shouted with such an exhilaration that I felt it all over my body. My small, colorless and stuffy davenport looked like a big comfy fresh-from the laundry type of bed. I was very exhausted. I was even surprise that I remember to change my clothes before collapsing on my bed. I fell into a very deep sleep. So deep, it was able to penetrate the fortress that I built around the most hidden part of my heart. I dreamt about him.  He was the guy who taught me how to love and to be loved.  His memories carried me back to what had happen more than seven years ago.   

            There he was, standing by the classroom door.  I could feel my heart beating so hard it felt like it’s going to burst out of my chest.  He was the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen.  With his short jet black hair, big brown eyes and tanned complexion, no wonder the fell for him.  I found myself walking closer to him. “Hi!” I said blushingly.  He looked at me and smiled, his rosy lips and perfectly clear white teeth flashed across my eyes.  “I could die right now” I whispered within me.  I was so engrossed with my own thoughts that I didn’t hear him talking to me.  “Marie! Hey snap out of it! Yoohoo!” he was lightly shaking me.  I had to blink twice before realizing what had just happen.  I felt the heat rushing through my veins and into my cheeks.  “I‘m sorry I was just thinking about something.” I mumbled to him.  “Never mind then, let’s just go inside the class was about to start” he said disbelievingly.

            He and I have been best friends for two years at that time, and about a year, eleven months, and sixteen hours ago I realized that I love him.  There was only one problem, he was in love with someone else. A girl I soon learn to envy.  “Who was she? Do I know her?” I asked him with one of my eyebrow raised way up in my forehead. He was just shaking his head, determined to close the subject.  I could not let that happen.  I have to know. I have to know what he saw in her that he didn’t see in me.  I pleaded again and again desperately trying to make him tell me who she was.  Finally he said half-heartedly, “fine then!! I’m giving you her code name Aishiteru, but that’s it! Now leave me alone” I was dumbstruck.  “What in the world was Aishiteru? I was shaking my head in disbelief.  After that incident I stop asking him any question about this Aishiteru.  I didn’t have to. Every time, he torments me on telling almost everything about the girl.  He constantly talked about her long blue-black hair, her big round eyes and how he fell in love with her the first time they met.  The pain was excruciating!  I felt as if someone was literally tearing my heart into pieces.  I was crushed!  At that point I decided to end our friendship.  I was always the first one to arrive in school and the last one to leave at night.  Sometimes I even go to the farthest and most hidden part of the library and bury myself in a good book.  I completely cut any kind of connection between us .  The school ended in our sophomore year without us even saying a simple “hello” to each other.

            Our junior year begun and I found myself sitting in wooden couch in front of the big old fashioned TV without a thing to do.  I didn’t enroll for the school year.  “We’re going to the United States in a few months, you’ll just continue your high school there” I recalled my mother’s voice.  During the free times that I had, I started to analyze what had happen between him and me.  “How could two years worth of friendship go down the drain just like that?”  I yelled deep within me. I started to remember all the fun things we used to do.  There was once when we watched the movie “Titanic”.  Although he was not into romantic movies, he managed to survive it.  There was also that time when helped me with my family troubles.  He was actually the one who forced me to change my wrong doings and make amends to my old friends. It’s funny that I just realized how important he was to me after I lost him. 

            I tried going back to the school and look for him but somehow our paths won’t crossed.  Finally, I ask one of my old classmate give him my message; “I’m leaving on the 28th of the next month, I need to talk to you” I pleaded to him.   Two days after, he came to my house.  He looked the same, his eyes, hair, and skin complexion but somehow he was a different person. He looked so grown up and matured and I felt insecure.  “I …ah…” I was about to say sorry when he hugged me. “Aishiteru” he whispered lovingly in my ear.  I abruptly look at him “what?” “Aishiteru” he said more loudly this time. “It means I love you in Japanese” he said without taking his eyes off of me.  I was speechless! Silver droplets of tears began pouring into my eyes.  “This was just a dream! It can’t be happening” I was overjoyed.  Suddenly, I remember something, reality came I was about to leave.  I can’t start a relationship right now.  I looked at him, desperately searching for an answer.  “Marie, I will be here.” he promised me.  We didn’t make our relationship official.  We both know that we were much too young to make that kind of a commitment; instead we made a promise to each other.  We‘ll set aside our feelings for a while and accomplish our dreams.  Time will tell if were really meant for each other, for now we’re just holding on to the word that bound us together “Aishiteru”.

Does he knows??

…will he know?

Does he cares??

…will he care?

“No matter how successful we want to be, it’s not complete unless we find love.”

There are so many things going through my head-scattered thoughts, jumbled words, broken sentences- i feel like my brain will explode any minute now!! My mind is bombarded with incoherent thoughts, I can’t even think straight!!!

It’s been almost three years since I stop blogging.  It’s not because I don’t want to (God knows how much I love writing!) it’s mainly due to the fact that somehow I lost my mojo. Writing used to be my life; I even have quite a few blogs that I religiously update with just about everything and anything that was going on with my life. I especially loved writing poems and short stories.  In high school, while almost all my schoolmates dreaded that notorious senior paper, I couldn’t have been more excited!!  Writing is my therapy. I felt like being able to freely express myself kept me sane all this years. Sadly, the unthinkable happen, those numerous plots and ideas that abundantly flows through my head just abruptly stop. Suddenly I felt suffocated, I couldn’t breath!! It’s like I’m choking on my OWN words!!  The mere thought of writing down how I’m feeling makes me feel like I’m having a panic attack and anything that I will write will be used against me.  It’s really hard to explain, and even until now I still can’t understand why or even how I lost my mojo…

 Actually, I lied. I KNOW why I stop writing,,, but I promised myself that I will start anew.

I feel like I’m 24 going to 104 =P  Sorry, I feel like at my age I should have atleast accomplish something that I can be proud of, but I feel like nothing is going according to what I have originally planned. I feel like my life is going downhill, -I don’t have my own apartment, no new car, no stable job (yet), and no lovelife.- I feel like I don’t know anything at all!! I can’t even explain exactly what I’m feeling! It’s so frustrating! Somehow, it’s indescribable! I am happy yet I’m also sad, I’m full of hope but somehow I feel hopeless,  I’m excited about the future yet I feel like I’m stranded on my past. I know that I am very independent, but sometimes I find myself wishing that I could somehow just completely and whole heartedly rely onto someone without having any fears or doubt, and just totally immerse myself to that someone and not thinking twice. I want to be able to experience that full, unbridled LOVE that I often see in the movies, that kind of love that will swept you off your feet, the kind that I will always want to remember, the kind that last forever… I know it sounded stupid, but everybody wants to belong to someone, everyone wants to love and be loved, not one person will sincerely and honestly choose to spend their whole life by themselves. Sadly, at the rate that I’m going with my life,,, I’m afraid that I will end up alone… and I don’t want to be =(

In your eyes

I found an everlasting love

that gives me strength in my life.

in your eyes

I learned to believe that dreams could come true

But it was also in your eyes that I’ve learned…

that not every fairy tales

ends with a happily ever after.

PS

wala lng,, it was a poem i wrote ages ago,, prob like 3 yrs ago,, but during those times i didnt quite know how to end it,,, i guess I needed to have a few more experiences and trials and prob some growth within me to put an end to it.

>>> pagbigyan nio na ko paminsan minsan lng nmn eh  :-p <<<

:((

I guess I deserved it,
For falling way too fast.
You broke my heart
And I know I won’t be the last.

But right now I need to know
Just one last thing,
Then you can leave me
And start another fling.

Did you love me?
Or did you not?
You told me once,
But I forgot.

Did you really mean it?
And was it really true?
It meant so much to me,
But did it mean the same to you?

We loved each other so much,
Not even the biggest waves
Could drown it out.
But, now you left me
Forever, without a doubt.

So, please, just tell me,
Because I need to get over you.
Did you really love me?
Could it really have been true?

Or were you just lying?
Just waiting for me to fall?
Getting my hopes up too high,
Actually thinking you would call?

Too many questions to ask.
No longer will it last.
You’re done and over with,
Never again will I fall so fast.

If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then i will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

-By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept-

~~ I may not be an expert in love, but I know that when you love someone, you KNOW it. You dont hesitate or have to think about it. Nor does anyone else come to your mind when you think of love ~~  The legend

~~I have been wishing  I could find the man who’d suit me more than any other man. One man who is better than the others. A man I could love as hard as I wanted to love and he’d love me as much in return. I wanted a man I wouldn’t have to play games with and pretend I didn’t care when he hurt me. I wished for a man I could yell at yet he’d still love me. I wanted a man who I deep down inside knew loved me. Not because he told me he did but because just his existence made something deep within me vibrate~~ Remembrance

But be careful for this can sustain life but can
never give enough room for us to grow. We can all
survive with just beautiful memories of the past but
real peace and happiness come only with open
acceptance of what reality is today. There comes
a time in our lives when we chance upon someone
so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves
getting so intensely attracted to that person. This
feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives
and eventually consumes our thoughts and
actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to
realize that this person feels nothing more for us
than just a friendship. We start our desperate
attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end
our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up
being sorry for ourselves. You don’t have to forget
someone you love. What you need to learn is how
to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter
or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that
dedication and love to someone more deserving.
Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and
let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to
your feelings but to reason as well. Always
remember that if you lose someone today, it
means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If
you lose love that doesn’t mean that you failed in
love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the
tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that
the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and
love will find its way back to you. And when it
does, pray that it may be the love that will stay
and last a lifetime.